Play a popular rock song in 1 day with no previous experience!

I will teach you how to confidently perform 1 very popular rock guitar song in 1 day to 1 week even if you've never played a guitar or sang before! I'll do this by teaching only the most crucial music fundamentals, and then focus purely on the elements of the song itself, wasting no time. I will cover:

What's the best beginner guitar equipment to buy, and where?
How to set up and use the equipment
Song structure & counting
How to hold the guitar
Chords used for the song
Tips for sounding like you've played for years
How to put it all together to play & sing the song
How to conquer stage fright and confidently perform on stage, like a boss